farewell 2009

In case we get home too late from our New years eve party, I'll post a quick note now. I went through emails this morning, deleting old ones, re-reading many and I am just in awe of how many prayers have been answered, how many ways God has moved in people's hearts and lives. It was a treat to look back on this past year and rediscover the order of things regarding our adoption, my friendships, my family. I am so glad I did that. If you're feeling melancholy, go back through your own and just peek at what 2009 looked like. My hope and prayer is that you, like me, will be blessed and inspired and your heart will fill.

wash me

You know that passage, the one that says something like, "Wash me and I will be whiter than snow..." I'm thinking about that one tonight. Forgive me for not looking it up...I'm tired and have a sleeping baby on my lap and I'd rather write than click on one screen after another to look on biblegateway.com....maybe in the morning. Anyway, as I think about God washing me to make me whiter than snow, I think of Jesus. Without Him, his birth and life and death, I could never be clean. I could never be fresh and new and beautiful and worthy. I also think of Precious Maryn. I just gave her a bath because I came home from a very long day and she stunk. You know that funky baby smell, a mixture of urine and spit and sweat and other people's smells...and I really wanted to just inhale the fragrance and sweetness and beauty of her so I needed to give her a bath. I washed away all the yuck and waste and memory of the day, I washed her clean with loving touches, songs, smiles and lotion and then dressed her in warm, clean, sweet jammies. She smells so good. She feels so good. I am not reminded of her day, her yuck. I feel her weight and her human-ness and her breath and her life...and I smell sweet baby smells and I am so pleased.

So it is with God, I am sure. He will pick me up and love me and share my day, but until I am clean, forgiven, made holy in His way, I cannot really snuggle in to his lap. If He feels about me the way I feel about Precious after washing her clean, I can only strive to be cleansed and forgiven and purified hour after hour of my day.

I also think about the snow we have. It was so white and clean and fresh and level for a few days and after today, we who travelled the roads have ruined it and made it dirty and yucky and annoying. Humans wreck what God sends down in beauty. Its our lot in life. It's the apple and Original Sin and the point of the greatest story ever told. Its about the cross. its about my sin. Its about how Jesus came to people once so that we could be born again....as I think back on our Christmas celebration of Jesus' birth, I can feel relieved and grateful that He came, knowing we would dirty up the pure snow, and He was willing to take responsibility for that.

I've worked a long week already and need to spend some time with paperwork tomorrow so my step-sister is coming to play with the kiddos for awhile so I can go to my favorite coffee shop and sit at the computer and finish out the charting for 2009. Our cat, Toby, is hanging in there. He moved to a few different spots in the past day, including Precious' bouncy seat which is one of his favorites. I think he may be feeling better. Roger and I have decided to wait until next week when the kids are in school, then see if the vet will draw blood again to determine if he is improving or deteriorating. I am hopeful today.

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I have so many thoughts and feelings inside of me and they often feel like pearls that fall to the ground but if I write them, and if someone reads them and is edified by them, than it feels like my life has more meaning. I love to write and I love that there are people out there who like to read these words. Thank you for adding depth to my life on this screen.

I noticed.

Everyone is healthy at our house. I need to make that statement. It occurred to me that often when I am in a conversation, someone asks about the status of our health. True, we have had an unfair dose of illness over the last several months. True, the children that live here with us are at the age where they pick up and share many, many germs and I, being a public health nurse, am walking through the germ festival daily. That said, I need to make a point of declaring our home to be one of health. Today. That may all change within an hour...but I did notice that since the kids have been on Christmas vacation, they have not been sick. They get tummy aches once in awhile but we are all eating way too much junk food so I bet its not serious.

I hate to admit it but I think the children now perceive chips as a food group. Oh dear. Thank you Lord that for today, we have no fevers, strep throat or vomitting. Thank you for fun food and paper plates and a break from the discipline of fruits and vegetables...and the bounty you provide to us every day to eat. I noticed that we have plenty and I am grateful.

Thank you as well for directing the sun to break througn the veil of grey sky we have had here for more than a week. I noticed. Thank you for an afternoon of blue sky over clean, white snow.

transitioning

We have begun the transition out of the Christmas holiday. For me, the transition must take place as slowly as it settled in. I started playing through all of my cds yesterday. I am listening more closely to the songs I hope to write about later in the new year. I am listening closer to the words, making sure I didn't miss anything God is trying to tell me through these familiar, classic, Christmas songs. There was one song that I played through several times, and it cut through to my heart, it leveled me, it moved me. I will write about that one for sure. The kids are having fun playing with their new stuff. We continue to try to sort out piles and put things away and avoid or dive into the treat stashes everywhere...yes, the new year will host a diet. Oh my.

I found a "season stretcher" on Christmas Eve. It's a green plant, kind of a mini Christmas tree...that will live long into the new year. It is big and festive and smells like pine. I tried to impart to the Wal-Mart checker how excited I was to find this season stretcher...she gave me the "whatever, crazy lady" look. Then, wrapped under the tree, was a gift from my dear husband, the scented candle that my reader-friend Heather posted about...so I also have a nice, big candle the smells of pine trees, to stretch the season out. Thanks, and thanks, and thanks. Its fun to find ways to make the holiday last.

Precious Maryn is very tired. She has slept most of the day. She is plumb-partied out. She's ready for some down time, some boredom, some routine...or is that me?

Our cat, Toby, is hanging on. He's not moving much or eating much. We'll see what the vet says tomorrow. I am grateful he made it through Christmas. While he is only a cat, I do have very fond memories of his sweet nature, his gentleness, his presence in this home. He will be missed. There are not very many living creatures who live only to silently co-exist, to bless, to snuggle and purr and enjoy life with us. There are not many who can require so little but consistently give so much. I, for one, will really miss this guy.

stranded

Merry Christmas everyone. The midwest is entirely stranded and socked in with snow and wind. It's absolutely nuts. We're talking alot of snow here. We welcome being stranded at our house. The only place we were gonna go was to my grandma's in the next town over, and we will get there either tomorrow or sunday so its all good.

I am loving the passive experience of watching the snow storm rage outside. From where I am sitting, I can see the snow fly from windows behind, beside and in front of me. I have all the curtains wide open to catch it from all angles. Poor Roger has been out in in for an hour or more, fighting through drifts with the snow blower...I'm sure he's not enjoying himself quite as much but I will reward him with hot chocolate and Christmas candy when he comes in. The big kids are in the basement enjoying new Christmas stuff. It's all good.

I am literally stranded beneath baby Precious Maryn who really just wants her mom's undivided attention for Christmas. She has it. She sleeps if I hold her and cries when I don't so, too bad for me, I am stranded in the chair!

Well, just got a suprise visit from the grandparents. gotta go!

Well, the snow is flying and the grown-ups are full and tired and the kids are playing...Precious Maryn is zonked out on the couch. Too much Christmas cheer for her! Her Grandpa and Grandma came here for Christmas (2 adults traveling in bad weather instead of 9 of us going to the lake)...we have had a wonderful first Christmas celebration with great food, a good board game (pegs and jokers for the Kredit readers), fun gifts and plenty of good will. My house is clean and full and blessed. Precious has a good start with some clothes, some hair pretties, a doll and a rattle...and she is stirring so I'll stop writing and go get my baby. Blessings. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Make it matter.

Isaiah 40:11

"He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

Dear Jesus, you are the shepherd. The good shepherd, the Chief Shepherd. In 2009 we don't even understand what a shepherd was or what he did. We don't watch sheep anymore. I'm sorry we have lost the clarity of that metaphor, Lord. I'm sorry we barely get it, just like we barely get you most of the time. Be present with us, Jesus, through your Holy Spirit, so that we can understand exactly how you watch over us, guide us, care for us and keep us as a shepherd did. Lord, you gather the lambs, the babes, in your arms and draw them close to your heart. You love the children so much. You are gathering up lambs through adoption, giving orphan and fatherless children a name, a family, an identity. You are actively shepherding the children of this generation, as you prophesied through Isaiah so long ago.

My heart is stirred by the words, 'he leads those that have young.' I have young. So many people I know have young. Lead us, Lord Jesus, as we have our young, as we raise them and love them and discipline them. Let your Spirit do that through us, God. Take over on the parenting and just let us be your hands and feet, your voice, your actions. Lead us who have your young, to do a good job, the job you want done, with these little lambs. Pour out grace and strength and wisdom and love to parents this Christmas, Lord. Pour out mercy and help and gentleness to grand-parents and great-grand-parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends of the little lambs. All the lambs, the biological, the adopted, the orphaned, the unborn. We are all lambs under heaven. Thank you for being the shepherd.

Help me to pay special attention today to the shepherd in the nativity story, the sheperd Christmas songs the Shepherd verses of the bible. Thank you for being my shepherd and saving me, guiding me, always watching over me and staying so near. Its you and I this morning, in a pasture(or neighborhood), in the dark, waiting for the sun to come up and the snow to start falling. Its you and I today, enjoying our first Christmas celebration with family. Its you and I, Jesus, grazing in the pastures, watching for wolves, enjoying the magesty of God's created world in nature and living things. It's you and I, Jesus. Amen.

Rudolph

I'm thinking about Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer tonight. Do you remember the children's movie about him? There was a huge snow storm and santa wanted to cancel Christmas but Rudolph sacrificed and endured humiliation to lead the team, to light the way, to get santa to all the little boys and girls. Rudolph was made fun of, misunderstood and alienated as a youth, then came to glory to fulfill his mission as a young adult. Wait a minute....sounds alot like Jesus to me! Who knew?

We are on the crest of a major snow storm here tonight. I believe the term was something like, the biggest winter storm in 25 years. The weather advisory extends for 3 full days. The county sheriff sent an email to all government employees asking us to please stay home and encourage others to do the same for safety. Treacherous and life-threatening were also used in one forecast I read. If we lived in the island of make-believe, I would be hoping that Rudolph would be able to light the way for santa, so that Christmas could come even in the storm.

The real world I live in (well, most of the time I live in the real world) has plenty of life threats, plenty of treachery, danger and fear. There is alot of wind and weather blowing all the time and we have the real beacon of light, the real one who lights the way, we have The Way, The Truth, The Light. His name is Jesus. He already came. He is here, Emmanuel, and Christmas will come because He came. Halleluia.

The Christmas Carol we are singing most at our house this year is Glo-o-o-o-o-o, oh-o-o-o-o, oh-o-o-o-o-ri-a. In Excelsius Deo (spelling?). It's Jeremiah's favorite and when he walks around singing it, we all seem to catch the tune.

Stay warm and safe everyone. 3 days until Christmas. Can't wait.

working mom

A working mom in this house looks like this. You clean up breakfast dishes in order to make supper. You clean up supper dishes while the coffee brews in the morning. (I have many friends who are much better housekeepers than I am...its how it looks in THIS house.) A working mom sets time aside on a sunday afternoon to go out and build a snowman with her kids...only to discover that the snow isn't packing snow, but powder. Gggrrrr. So she watches them sled down a hill instead and passively engages in a snow ball fight. A working mom first looks at all the papers from the backpacks before she starts supper or reads the mail. A working mom keeps a current picture of her sweet kids in front of the Christmas tree on her cell phone. A working mom spends extra at Christmas time because she works.

I picked our cat Toby up from the vet today. He has rallied a bit thanks to steroids and antibiotics. The blood work looks like it could be feline leukemia. Again, good grief. We will see how he does with the medicine and love in our home and if he begins to fail, we will take him back to the vet with a final good-bye. He's a really good cat and I kind of feel like he's home for Christmas on hospice care. It's a bitter-sweet feeling and I am acutely aware that some people are experiencing this with human family members instead of pets and so I am grateful.

Our Christmas party plans are all a big "IF" right now due to the weather. Don't know if we can or will travel to my dad's tomorrow (we have this wonderful, "Hallmark Movie Original" tradition of spending a night or two at the cabin on the frozen lake with my dad and step-mom, feasting on lavish food and beautiful scenery, opening gifts and just savoring the peace and love of family...) or if we can or will make it back for candle light service at church Christmas Eve, followed by fabulous dinner and gifts at my moms...don't know what the next few days will hold but I know that I know that I know that my Savior lives and that he came to earth for me.

If you have a few more minutes, scroll down to my post about season stretchers and rad the comments. They are wonderful. I'm excited for what the new year may hold for my writing and for the catharsis that God could breathe into this blog as we stretch the season's best into the year. Your comments are exceptional and I am getting excited....keep 'em coming!

Miss Sarah in India...sending you a hug and a prayer and anything else God can make manifest for you....Merry Christmas to you, friend that I only know from blogs. You are so far away and yet by God's grace we are kindred spirits, bound by the love of children. Readers, please check out her blog at Sarah's Covenant Homes and engage in any way you can this holiday season, through prayer, networking, giving, etc.

OK! back to the loading of the dishwasher, loading of the washing machine, loading of my computer with the data I need to record, loading of my kids with love and attentiveness...and then the unloading of my day onto my Lord's great and deep listening ear.....

correction

When I got to church this morning, the husband and son of the family I thought were in the crash were there. I had the wrong family in mind. While I was flooded with relief that it was not this family, I am still feeling deep compassion for the woman who did lose her children in the car accident. Lifting her up still today.

I have nothing deep or meaningful to write tonight. Precious and I are settling in. It's my night. Nights have been rough here with her lately and we can't figure out why. We've changed formula...can't pin it down. She's uncomfortabe and restless...and we're up every 2 hours or so. Fatigue doesn't really go well with fa la la la la la la la la....but its ok. She's on my lap talking and smiling...big dark eyes, telling me so much. It's ok.

A family from our church was in a car accident last night and both of their little boys were killed. I don't know the details and I don't know this family well but I learned of it this morning and it has consumed my thoughts throughout this day. I cannot presume to write about their grief. And I cannot think of anything else.

season stretchers

Ok! I have been thinking about how rushed the holiday season is and how much we all try to juggle and handle and "pull off" and "pull together", trying to live In the world but not OF the world as Christians...We need to focus on our Savior and his humble birth. First. Always. We need to teach the magnitude of that to others (young and old). It is a magnanimous thing (that word is for my mom who made us learn a new word a week and use it in a sentence as often as possible. Truthfully, its the only one I remember). We each have a duty to the God of the univers whom we humbly serve, to make Christmas about Jesus.

Because I also live in the world and live in the USA and we make a big deal of Christmas...I confess that I love it all. I love the decorating, the music, the gifts, the Christmas trees, even the santas. I love it all. I love the candy and goodies and the generosity to fellow man. I love the special concerts and events. I love it, love it, love it. And I am so busy and so tired. I want it to last longer than the month I give it from the day after Thanksgiving until New Years.

So here are a few ideas I've had. Comment or email me if you like them or think of others and I'll post whatever sounds good to me. My first idea is to buy myself an expensive, fragrant candle (big suprise to those who know me). I would go get it on Christmas Eve and light it as soon as possible and every day thereafter that I want to think of Christmas. Which would likely be every day until Easter, at least. It will be a Christmas gift from me to me. It will smell like spices or evergreen or sugar...holiday stuff. My second idea so far is to start really learning the words to the familiar Christmas songs. If I print out the words and read them, pray them, sing them and think about (or meditate on) them, then I can really chew on and taste what writers were saying when these great songs were written. I listen to them and sing them now but I am so distracted by the stuff of life that I'm not really listening. I think this could be good for me. To really listen to those words. I will apologize now if you get bored with me writing "profound thoughts" about Silent Night in July. It could happen.

So that's it so far. Candles and songs...past December 25. Wanna jump on board, just for fun, to make the joy and peace stretch out a bit this season?

Lastly, I cannot write without mentioning my cat, Toby. He is my friend. And he is sick. We've had him for awhile...5 or 6 years maybe? He's a good, quiet, self-sustaining friend who requires very little of me but who is always silently present and steadfast. He's really sick. It's his liver. Isn't that depressing? A week before Christmas and one of my 2 cats is in kitty hospital getting IV fluids, antibiotics and steroids. Good grief. By tomorrow we will know if its an infection that he will recover from or not. I'm not a crazy cat lady. I won't be devastated but I will be sad. My kids will be really, really sad. You don't have to pray for him...pray for world peace and that all orphans will find forever families, but I thought I would mention it, just the same.

giving good gifts

We're at that stage of our Christmas planning where Roger and I need to find all the stuff we have stashed around the house this month. We bought some, ordered some, wrapped some and then there is the stash. Sometimes we find stuff in July that was supposed to go in a stocking the Christmas before...ok, so it only happened once that I know of, but it is highly plausible this year. We are going on much less sleep and stretched much thinner than ever before. We have some good gifts for the kids that we are excited for them to have...the giving is really the best part.

As we talked about what to get for one child or another, it was hard to agree on good gifts that are meaningful, exciting, useful and something they want. They want it all, of course, and we only choose a few things every year. There were 2 things in particular that I really wanted to get for Isaac. They were not meaningful, but would get a big "wow" on Christmas morning. He wants them both...but would these gifts be good gifts? Would they be good for him? Just because he wants them, should he have them?

It occurred to me that God could likely process many of my prayers that way. I pray for something and maybe he thinks the same way, "hhhmmmm, would this be good for her? I know she wants it but how would it look if she had it? Would it help her grow and develop in the ways I want her to? She would be so happy if I gave her this gift...I love to make her happy....she is always so grateful and it pleases me to give her what she wants. But is it wise? Is it a good gift? Hmmmm"

Neither of the items will be under the tree for Isaac this year. Maybe eventually, but not this year. He's not ready. He's not mature enough, responsible enough and may not grow into a better person with either of these things. He's getting something different. I'm sure he will enjoy what he gets because we put alot of thought into it...but its not the "wow" thing. That's ok.

I am so glad that God is wise and patient and not easily persuaded. So far, His gifts have been perfect for me and have helped me. Alot. I'll keep asking for things, I'm sure, but I will also trust Him, my heavenly Father, to know what is best.

10 days

It's 10 days until Christmas. 10 days. From the time Precious maryn was born until we held her in our arms was 10 days. 10 days can seem to go fast or slow, depending on the activities at hand. I love Christmas. I don't wait so much for the Day of Christmas as much as the whole holiday season...my kids are waiting for Christmas day. In 10 days it will be here. Am I ready? Are you? We have a plan for where we go when and in what order. We have purchased gifts for the parties and I'm sure I have adequate food on hand to feel festive and fun...I've been listening to lots of Christmas music and the house is decorated. We are doing a nativity thing with the kids, open a box a week and reveal more of the Christmas story...so the outside is ready.

How about the inside. I am sitting here tonight, thinking about my inside. How do I make me ready for Christmas? How do I look up to heaven instead of out to my surroundings...what does Jesus want from me for Christmas? It is, afterall, His day. Not mine.

What we do for love.

I've had a few people tell me they like to read my blog because they can relate to my life. This post is for you. I'm gonna call it:
"I love my kids enough to..."

I love my kids enough to:
1. Watch Mary Poppins by myself (well, Precious is asleep on my lap) while they watch something less meaningful since they do not love MP like I do.
2. Keep them home if they are ill even though they would rather be dancing (her)little heart out at the Christmas demonstration. Strep throat stinks big time.
3. Try to re-learn algebra for homework. Ew.
4. Protect them from painful adult drama if it would damper the Christmas mood.
5. Not buy them everything they want but make sure I can afford most of what they need and an occasional treat...Ghiardelli chocolate and a certain fleese zip-up jacket that makes Jeremiah feel very dapper.
6. Discuss why its best for a man and woman to marry and have children despite what they show on TLC.
7. Play wii instead of fold laundry, stuff Christmas cards, schedule home visits or do dishes just because my son asked me to play with him.
8. Give baths at 5:30 whether it makes sense or not.
9. Offer forgiveness over and over and over and over...because it teaches them to forgive and feel forgiven.
10. Make them go to bed on time even if I'd rather sit and snuggle and watch tv or read with them. Rest is best.

Proverbs 3:27

"Do not withold good from others when it is in your power to do it."

This verse was very important to my husband as we discussed adoption, prayed for direction and wondered if this was God's path for us or merely a mommy wanting another baby bird in her nest....when the Lord revealed this verse to Roger he really felt like it was God's way of saying yes. Yes you should do this, yes you can do this, this adoption is good. How Great is our God to consistently guide us when we seek him and to use ancient words to do it. How great is our God to give us free will choices and still make it abundantly clear which choice has his vote...we serve a really great God. I've always felt that this was God's message to Roger because we could do good for an orphan, a fatherless one, a baby or child or children who needed to be adopted and given a home and a family. While that is still truth, I also now feel that "not witholding good from others" maybe had a second meaning for him. He did not withold good from me, his wife, who dreamed of adopting most of her life. He did not withold good from me. It was in his power to do it and he did it, he did good for me.

Precious is good for me. Precious causes me to sit and kiss and hold and pray and bless and feel the heaviness and greatness of life. She's a tiny little baby that represents answer to prayers for me, hopefully for her birth mom, and also the living proof to our older kids that God does answer prayers. Precious is not magical, but she is a sweet baby girl who will cause many, many people to think differently about things. Her name, her skin color, her story....

Roger and I went to the late movie of The Blind Side last night. This movie is wonderful and so worth the cost, the hassle of getting a sitter, the staying out too late. It's not exactly our story, but the love and the theme of not witholding good from others when it is in your power to do it...the Christian principle that God wants us to help when we can, to love and to give of ourselves....its all there wrapped in humor, tears and fun. What a great movie. There is a scene in the movie where Sandra Bullock's character goes to see birth mom and they have a conversation. When there was nothing left to say, the birth mom was crying and Bullock's character got up from her chair, went to sit beside this broken woman on the couch and held her hand. That is the love of Christ. Helping her son was wonderful and inspiring and this boy also loved up this family (trying not to reveal the whole movie here) but when mom to mom, they shared a moment in time and a comforting touch of human hands...now that is the love of Christ.

That part I know. I got to hold the hand of Precious Maryn's birth mom and talk to her and sit beside her. When I saw the scene on the movie screen, my hand remembered holding hers, feeling the warm touch of the woman who gave our beutiful daughter life.

Proverbs 3:27 is a good verse for the holiday season when we are encouraged to give, to help, to reach out beyond our own selves....it is in our power to do it in big and small ways. I wonder if God smiled when he breathed out that passage, wondering how long it would take for me to get it.....

Diversity and empathy....on a friday.

On this particular friday evening I want to highlight 2 very distinct ideas that are quite unrelated.  It's the weekend...bear with me. 
1.  Today my 5-year old went sledding with an adoptive friend from Ethiopia and went to a birthday party for an adoptive friend from Guatemala.  That is really amazing.  In our community, when I was a child, everyone looked and talked and lived like I did.  We now experience much more diversity and depth and I am so grateful that God found favor with us and blessed us with so much more than we used to be.  Red and yellow black and white we are precious in His sight.  Jesus loves the little children of the world...

2.  I dug deep into the recesses of my vocabulary tonight to try to explain to my husband what I was feeling after a roller coaster of a work day, which rounded out a week filled with joy, stress, blizzards, illness and many other things.  What I came up with was this:  My empathy quotient is maxed out.  If there is a scale for empathy, from 1-5 and five is high...I'm less than one.  "What exactly does empathy mean" he asked tentatively (shielding himself in a very self-preserving tone)...so we looked it up.  Officially. 
"the intellectual identification with or vicarious experience of the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another."  Yep.  That pretty much sums it up.  My ability to think through and identify with what others are going through is officially dried up for the day.  I had quite a day today.  Many, many good things happened and I won't bore with a list of details...but this day had many ups and downs and I'm just completely empty.  So glad its Friday! 

The really amazing thing to me (and I hope to readers out there) is that I called it what it was and hit the nail on the head and it was so empowering!  I felt so relieved.  Then the phone rang.  Isaac was at a friend's sleeping over and he had an ear-ache.  This started this morning with a call from the school nurse so I did my homework, sought out some remedies and was prepared just in case my son needed me.  At 9pm he called to tell me his ear hurt.  I suspected swimmer's ear due to his swim team meet saturday and practices...we have NEVER had ear pain in our family.  Never.  Knowing my little boy needed me and that he was suffering opened a floodgate of empathy that just poured into my heart.  Nothing would have stopped me from getting up from my steak supper (literally), donning boots and winter jacket and driving to his friend's home to help my Isaac.  Nothing would have been more important than going in to give him drops, motrin and some TLC and then just hanging out in a relative stranger's home for half an hour to make sure he was doing ok and wanted to stay...nothing.  Empathy may drain away but it also fills up quickly.  Thank goodness. 

What's even better, is that empathy is holy.  Empathy is Godly.  Empathy is the opposite of evil and selfishness and sin...empathy is good and God will pour out more and more and more.  So let your quotient run dry once in awhile.  Use it up.  It's really a wonderful sensation to know it is empty and then feel God pour a full dose back in.  Good, good stuff.

Tonight we had our second post-placement home study visit with our social worker.  At 3 months, they want to be able to document that we are adjusting well to our new child, there are no major problems, etc.  As I type, Precious is snuggled on my chest and I have no desire to move her off of me.  I love feeling the weight of her soft, warm body against mine.  I love to hear her breathe and look down and see her peaceful, sweet face.  Her dad often kisses her head when he is holding her...the children can't stay out of her face.  They come in the door and immediately stoop down to coax a smile from her, kiss her cheek, wrap her fingers in theirs...

I'd say we are adjusting well.  I know I should put her down, move her over so that she gets used to sleeping without being held.  I just can't do it.  Why would I?  I waited for years to hold another sleeping child in the night.  This baby is much loved, long awaited for and so welcome in my arms at the end of a long day.  One day very soon she'll be bigger, older and it will make sense to tuck her into her own bed, read her about 8 books, say prayers with her and turn out the light.  That day is not this day.  This day I get to hold her all night if I want to.

Psalm 97:2

"Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne."  my life application bible writes this about the verse:  "The clouds and thick darkness that surround God symbolize his unapproachable holiness and the inability of people to find him on their own.  If he were uncovered, no one could stand before his blazing holiness and glory." 

After the raging blizzard here last night I have a better picture in my mind of clouds (of snow) and thick darkness.  If we were uncovered this morning in the negative wind chill temps, we could not stand it either.  The application also makes me think of Moses on the mountain and the glory of God was so bright that he couldn't even face him...can you imagine that?  Feeling and seeing God so clearly that we could not stand before his blazing holiness and glory.  I know I do not often think of God with such reverence and awe...I should.  I should be positioned in a way to seek his righteousness and justice, not just his help, his love, his forgiveness...and yet that is what brings me to the throne over and over again. 

Today, this psalm tells me of God's divine power and reminds me that if I remember who He is ultimately, I can worship Him better.  I will choose to think of the Lord's glory when I see the snow outside.  I pray He will accept my awe of Him as worship and shed light upon me and joy over me and make me upright in heart.  I will sing Christmas songs and rejoice in the Lord today because He truly does reign...over nature, over my home and over my heart.

Psalm 97

I'm going to be meditating on Psalm 97 today.  I am going to read it and pray it and chew on it and think about it and ask God to reveal more of himself to me through this Psalm today.  If you want to join me, that would be really sweet.  I think God would smile if he knew that several like-minded people were all reading the same scripture today.  My first time through it, I felt touched and blessed by verse 10:  Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he gaurds the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.  I follow 2 caring bridge sights right now and both had entries late last night that were answers to prayer, healing and hope-filled.  Praise the Lord for gaurding their lives! 

Jeremiah got sent home with a "fever" again yesterday but it was very low and mild and he didn't act sick at all, except for a tummy ache...so I was frustrated that we can't seem to kick this viral thing and then I was scared that there was an underlying problem...and now I am just claiming the promises of God that tell me today that He will gaurd the lives of his faithful ones and deliver them from the hand of the wicked.  Praying health and wellness and strength over my family, God!

3 months old

our little video doesn't work all the time so I couldn't resist posting one of her newest photos...here is 3-month old Precious...

the holidays

Welcome to monday morning.  Snow fell here yesterday and the forcast is definitely for more snow this week.  For some people, that makes them groan and get crabby...not me.  Yes, its, cold and messy and causes problems with driving but come on, people.  Wake up in the quiet of the morning when its still dark and look up at a street lamp and watch it gently fall....when the sun comes up and not many people have been out and the surface of the snow is perfectly level and perfectly white and silent.  It is just so beautiful.  Peaceful.  Divinely from God as an important piece of nature.  I'm sure I'll have other adjectives to describe it by March, but for now, I welcome the snow back like a friend I only see a few times a year.  Snow in December is even more special because all the decorations and music and lights are so much prettier with the snow.  Aaahhhhh.

I've been thinking this week about Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save us.  We rattle that off like nothing when we've been Christians for most of our life and had to recite it in programs, at sunday school, etc.  Its in the songs we sing and the shows we watch and we have a level of acceptance of that fact that is good and bad.  It's more than a fact.  It blows my mind this year as I hold my newborn baby day after day, hour after hour, minute upon minute upon minute.  This helpless child we have is so fragile that if we drop her she can break, if we expose her to dangerous germs she can get sick and even die, she cannot move or eat or speak without our help.  That is the state that the God of the universe assumed.  The Holy one who was here before the created world, who will be here long after it is gone, the one who can give life and take it at any moment...this fierce, just, powerful, omnipotent Father God became a baby, born of a young girl, helpless and fragile and humble.  For me.  For us.

He definitely could have skipped that part of the greatest story ever told.  He could have just stayed God reigning and ruling from the Heavens until he returned to Earth to make all things just and right and new....but he came down here and took on flesh so that I could be reconciled to him.  He knew I wouldn't make it to heaven without him, without Jesus taking my sins from me.  He wants me with him enough to give up the power and come here as a helpless baby...only to grow up and die.  For me.  For us. 

I have always known this and have held other babies in my arms countless times...but now its different.  When I hold Precious, I'm awed by God in a new way.  I think its because I know God better now than I did before.  When I look in this sweet baby's face, this child that God brought to us through prayer and desire and grace, when I hold her and care for her and sacrifice time and time again for her....I am knowing God a bit better each day.  I am more blown away that He would become like her....for me.  Wow. 

prayers

Anyone checking blogs this morning is welcome to join me in the following prayers today.  You don't have to bow your head or fold your hands, just breath in and out and lift up the names...God already knows what they need way more than we could put to words, but if we focus some attention on these people, we will add to the prayers being put in bowls in heaven for each.  Thank you. 
1.  Baby Titus having heart surgery.
2.  Lindsey having heart surgery.
3.  My friends who are adjusting to life with a third baby.
4.  My dear friend Kim who will be remembering her daughter Alex who died a year ago on the 5th.  I get to love her up awhile tonight over lasagna with girl friends.
5.  Birth moms everywhere.
6.  This friend probably doesn't want to have her name published so just pray for "her"...breathe in and out and say to God, "help her" and the Holy Spirit will take it from there.
7.  Sarah's Covenant Homes.

Blessed friday everyone. 

Big thanks go out to my hubby for "seasoning up" the blog.  I mentioned to him an hour ago that when he gets a spare minute, if he could change my template from fall to Christmas that would be great.  He LOVES to play on the computer, especially when his wife requests something.  Hopefully he'll put some holiday tunes on the IPOD as well when he gets his next free minute.  I was up studying with Claire for a test and came down and here it is!  You're the best, babe!

Thank you, too, for everyone who called me, sought me out, prayed for me and thought of me today, knowing I was back at work for the first time in 3 months.  I feel my heart swelling with love and gratitude for the many people in my life who care so much about me.  Whatever I have to give others is definitely an extension of what I have first received.  Precious Maryn did great her first day at day care today.  Her sitter's first comment was about her awesome laugh...boy, is she a pro or what?  Nothing could ease my mommy heart faster than knowing that the most mentionable thing in my babysitter's day was my baby's great chuckle.

My dear sweet former sitter/surrogate daughter/friend Amanda and her wonderful husband welcomed a new baby boy to their family today.  I am thinking of them and just amazed and awed by their maturity, their faith, their beautiful family and everything the Lord is doing in their lives.  I am a proud mama of my Amanda who had her second son, and of my baby daughter who survived her first day of daycare, and of Claire who is so tender and good, and Isaac who lost a tooth at school and saved it to show me and Jeremiah who got sent home again with a fever but was more concerned with his baby sister than his own fever and cough and missing his buddies in class. 

Blessed are the meek.....

This morning I finally woke up early enough for some time in the bible.  I finally had the discipline to get to bed on time and set my alarm clock and get up...because I have to go to work.  Structure in my life is a good thing.  (I officially started work yesterday but was home with 2 of 4 kids so it was mostly phone stuff and scheduling...easing back in.) 

My bible is full of bookmarks here and there and this morning, it flipped open around a passage in Romans.  So I just started reading there.  I had no idea that so much of Romans was about encouragement.  That must be what God wanted me to hear this morning.  Be encouraged, Niki.  Read what Paul once said to others and take it to heart.  It's still true.  You don't have it any better or worse than they did.  I get it.  Be encouraged.  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Share with God's people who are in need.  Practice hospitatlity." 

Dear Lord, annoint me with the power of these words today.  Pour out joy for me and let me speak and smile and walk in hope for everyone I encounter today.  Let them see the hope of Jesus reflected on my face.  Let the joy of my salvation, the joy of your son coming to earth as a baby to save us...let that joy be obvious and infectious to my family, my friends and any one else I meet.  Transform my mind and mold in me more patience.  My afflictions are minor but when I'm tired and frustrated and overwhelmed, they seem so great.  You don't promise us a free ride or a perfect life...there will be affliction.  What you desire is my strength, my patience, my grace and fortitude and character-building...grow patience inside of me, Lord!  Nudge me often for prayer today, God, so that I don't get self-absorbed or distracted by worldly things like the messy house or the negativity of others.  Nudge me often to pray for what feels conflicted or wrong.  Nudge me often to intercede for those who have heavy burdens today.  Nudge me often to pray thanksgiving and worship and glory and honor and power and strength to your Name.  Nudge me often today.  My best days are days filled with prayer and worship and love for you and for others.  Nudge me to be faithful in prayer today.  Help me to share with people in need.  Those I meet when I am working are filled with need and sometimes I can help.  Thank you for the ways I can help, Lord.  Christmas is a time where we really are made aware of the needs of others.  Help me to not become callous or insensitive, but to feel your heart for those in need.  Pour out blessing on those in need through me.  Lastly, Lord, help me to practice hospitality.  Help me to find opportunities to invite others in, whether my house is presentable or not, whether I'm feeling crabby or generous, whether I think I have time or not.  Extend generosity from me to others in the spirit of hospitality.  Thank you for your word, Lord, that is so much healthier and more beautiful than my own words.  Bless you Abba Father.  Amen.